If you have been following this blog, Psych Your Heart, then you probably know what narcissism is. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is fairly common but in varying degrees. The signs of narcissism may differ, but their annoying narcissistic behaviors are pretty much the same.

Growing Up With Narcissistic Behaviors

Emotional abuse victims operate on a certain level of behavior plane. We tend to look at facial expressions, actions, and words based on the narcissistic behaviors we were exposed to. Depending on the reactions of our narcissistic parents and our personalities, we look at other people with the same gauge and lens.

When my husband and I were still dating, we used to fight. As in a lot. That was because I would read his facial expressions with malice and judgments.

For example, one time we were together and I noticed he was frowning. I accused him of not being happy that we were together. Maybe we wanted to be somewhere else. He said he was squinting because of the of the sun as it was a sunny afternoon. I didn’t believe him. He hated being accused about something that isn’t true, but I kept accusing him. And it escalated to a big fight.

I couldn’t forget that event though many years have passed. Looking back, I know how absurd it was. But now I realize, that is because all my life, I have been playing games trying to guess the moods of my narcissistic mother. If she appeared to be happy, I would be relaxed. If she was anywhere near upset, I would be agitated, frustrated, and sometimes angry. It was a hard game that created traumas in me.

Narcissistic Behaviors We Hate

Now, here are some of the more common narcissistic behaviors that I hate. And I am not quite sure that many emotional abuse victims would agree with me on these.

Narcissists are manipulative.

Narcs want to manipulate everyone around them. And if the narc is your parent, they tend to look at their children as pawns. Like in chess. They will use all kinds of schemes–words, threats, actions, comparisons, and even physical violence. They are even willing to distort the truth–just to push the pawns around to do their bidding.

Narcissists normally lie.

In order to manipulate people, narcissists twist data in order to fit or draw out the results that they want. They will get a piece of fact, like a simple visit of a friend, and then distort the fact. That’s part of their disorder.

For example, if they want people to hate this friend, a narc will say, “He came over to borrow money and when I refused, he attacked me.” But it could be that the friend just mentioned that he is cash-strapped. He may not even borrow money. But narcissists can change the facts and they wouldn’t feel that it is lying. It’s just saying things to get the reaction that they want from the hearer.

Narcissists seek control.

The narcissists in our lives have one thing in mind — control. They want to be in control of people and every situation.

What they want could be anything random or even downright silly. But it has to affirm their control over the situation. It could be a piece of jewelry, an achievement for their child, a slice of cake, or even just the arrangement of people on the dining table. If you deviate, you will get the next thing — tantrums.

Narcissists are advanced thinkers.

You have to give it to narcissists for being forward thinking. They preempt any and every situation, so yeah, you can say they are also paranoid. But in order to manipulate people, they have to do that. In a way, they are scriptwriters, conjuring a situation in their heads and acting out scenes in order to come up with the desired ending.

If they don’t get what they want, all hell can break loose.

Narcissists throw tantrums.

My mother used to complain that my toddler would throw tantrums. In my head I say, but you also throw a fit that you’re already a grown up. Why would you take it against a toddler?

But yeah, narcissists can throw tantrums like kids. They would pout, be upset, ignore you, throw things, shout, cry like a baby, pretend to be sick, or walk out of the room when their control is threatened. I get really pissed when my mother would walk out on us, especially during a gathering just because a condition wasn’t met. It’s one of the narcissistic behaviors that I cannot tolerate.

It’s a hard balance to strike in order to keep them happy. And I have lived more than 40 years of my life on tiptoe doing just that–trying to please my mother so that she will not throw a tantrum. How sick is that?

Narcissists like drama.

Our narcissists could have the best life in the world. But that is not enough for them. If for some reason everything is rosy, they get agitated. They cannot settle in a routine of happiness.

To address the apparent bliss, they have to create a situation where drama is involved. It could be anything. They would appear to be in a bad mood and be cross when somebody approaches them. Or they will demand something incredulous and if you cannot give it, you will be the designated villain for a week or or even a month.

Heck, they could even destroy the perfect family setup they tried to put up if things go out of “their control”.

Narcissists use emotional reasoning.

In an argument with a narcissist, there is really no winning, no matter how logical and kind your presentation is. The narcissist will not take losing lightly. And they will employ every means to win just so they could be proven correct. One of the ways they deal is emotional reasoning.

When emotions are involved, all logic flies out the window. They will use crying and emotional blackmail to get the results they desire. So no matter how twisted they are, the other party usually just caves in because of emotional pressure.

Narcissists are generous with condemnation.

One thing about narcissists is that they seem to live to condemn people. They seem to get a kick with putting people down so as to elevate themselves. And no matter how good or how nice a person is, they will always find fault.

Living With Narcissists

Such is the life living with malignant narcissists. Every single day is a struggle to get on their good side because their annoying narcissistic behaviors can be really toxic. But no matter what you do, you will fall short because that’s just the way they are wired.

You Have a Choice

So it really depends upon us. We have the choice to stick it out. Or we can get out of the toxic relationship. I have extricated myself from the narcissist’s web, sought a psychiatrist, and have been taking antidepressants. So my life is better now. You can have it, too.

Forgiveness is a good thing as well. It sets you free from hate and bitterness. But I suggest forgiveness without the reconciliation. You will be subjected to the same kind of abuse all over again.