What is Narcissism or Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
My husband and I only learned about what is Narcissism or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) in 2018. After that came a deluge of observations and realizations about the many whys in my life. The saddest fact is that I am a victim of decades of verbal and emotional abuse.
Watching Law and Order SVU
My husband and I love watching crime dramas on TV. One of our favorite series is Law and Order SVU. We have followed this from Season 1 and saw how the character of Olivia Benson grew with that show. That should also explain our paranoia about protecting our young daughters from predators and perverts.
In one of the episodes, a mother was making love with a young man. When her son arrived and caught her in the act, she called out to him for help, saying she was being raped. The son got his gun and immediately killed the intruder, only to find out that it was his best friend and he was actually having an affair with the mom.
Eventually, it was established that the mother had malignant narcissistic personality disorder, which led to the lying, deception, and killing. The two boys were actually innocent victims in the sick game that the narcissistic mother was playing.
Researching on What is Narcissism
The term used in the show as well as the traits described there struck a nerve. I immediately searched for the terms “narcissism” and “narcissistic personality disorder” online and the information hit me like a ton of bricks.
After telling my husband about it, we both dug deeper into the subject and eventually came to the conclusion that I actually had an extremely malignant narcissistic mother.
What is Narcissism?
Before we proceed, let’s first of all try to understand what is narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder.
According to BarendsPsychology.com, narcissism or Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) “is a mental disorder characterized by entitlement (either overt or covert), self-centeredness, a (constant) need for admiration, a lack of empathy (for) others, and unreasonably high or low goals.”
At the same time, people suffering from narcissism usually have a low self-esteem and are very vulnerable to criticism. They tend to take criticism very personally, like my mother, who can burst out even during church events when somebody gives even the slightest comment on her work other than praise.
Praises and Admiration for Them Alone
Generally, people with narcissism can be really unhappy or disappointed when they donโt get what they want. And they really want to let people know about it. These disappointments include not getting special favors or if they donโt get the attention or the admiration they are craving for.
Yes, attention and admiration can be like a lifeblood to them. I have seen how praise and admiration fires up my mother. It also crushes her when her efforts are ignored. She would throw an epic tantrum, like walking out on people or venting out her anger on my father and us children if she didn’t get the attention that she thought she deserved.
Signs of Narcissism
Since I didn’t know that a condition called narcissistic personality disorder existed, I never knew that my mother’s actions and reactions were already screaming of narcissism.
According to Barends, someone with narcissism can ask for attention by boasting about their achievements. But on the other end of the spectrum, they can pretend to be very sick or hurt in a melodramatic way. On one hand, they seem to be strong and confident while they boast. But they can be weak and almost pathetic while they play the victim.
That is why I say that my mother is a textbook narcissist. I have long felt that a lot of her ailments are psychosomatic, but we care and still send her to the hospital if she says she’s ill. My father would say that we cannot upset her because she has heart problems and high blood pressure.
High BP yes, but heart problems? I don’t think so, as she regularly undergoes ECG and would often say, “Thank God, the results are normal.” Like not even a murmur or a teeny discrepancy? While yeah, we are thankful, but I am thinking that she’s just making the heart ailments up.
In the end, she’s fine. Now, I am thinking she’s doing that trick if she wants to get back at any of us. She wants us to panic, give her attention, and use our money on her–in whatever way she can–including feigning sickness.
The Feeling of Superiority
While narcissists can be boastful, rude, as well as selfish, they can also be insecure, avoidant, and play the victim.
And because they have feelings of insecurity, shame, humiliation, and vulnerability, they try to get rid of these feelings by acting outrageously or by trying to make other people look bad.
Even their children are covered in this silly behavior. Countless times in my life (either as a child or as an adult), I was made out to be the bad guy. I was blamed for so many things that I wanted to end my life back then, simply because I felt like I could never do anything right. For the life of me, I never knew that it was already emotional abuse.
But they do that because belittling others gives them a good feeling about themselves. I often remember my mother saying something derogatory about each and every neighbor or relative we have. It seems that none of them has made a good decision in life. Like duh. On this link, learn more about our Perfect Family.
Morover, depression and rage are co-existent in my mother. She gets so violent when angry and cries so hard when depressed, probably because she didn’t get what she wanted. She is also very destructive. A lot of stuff in the house had been broken or damaged because of her wrath.
The Realization
Now that I know what is narcissism and how people with that disorder behave, I have taken a more proactive stance. I have consciously made a decision not to be manipulated anymore.
It’s taking months but what can I expect? I have been under the spell of my narcissistic mother for more than 40 years. It’s not easy to shake off that kind of mind conditioning.
Thankfully, with the encouragement of my husband and close friends, I am slowly healing. I am even feeling better physically. Hoping that my recovery continues and I won’t hit snags along the way. My goal now is self love and not feeling guilty if I make myself feel good, which my mother had a way of making me feel so.
Please journey with me….
Source:
Barends Psychology, What is narcissistic personality disorder?, Retrieved from https://barendspsychology.com/narcissism/
35 COMMENTS
This sounds a tiny bit like me as well. I never knew about this disorder, and it’s nice to learn about it. I’m glad you got to document yourself and realize where your mother’s behavior was coming. I wish you all the best in your self-love journey.
Thank you so much Cristina <3
Most times the lack of awareness stops us from getting the right help. But it’s not always possible to be aware of the illnesses out there. Good that you recognised it and your husband stood by you. Hope you heal.
Thank you! <3
Narcissism is one of the disorders suffered by mom. You have written it nicely, well brief enough to be understood by others. People think narcissism is just a joke as self-conscious or admiration of look but there is deep thing into it. We can never know when a narcissistic person can throw a tantrum. One has to always give them priority other than anything or anyone else.
That’s correct. But I have reached a point in my life that I need to protect myself and my family. I can no longer tolerate my narcissistic mother.
Oh gosh, I have definitely come across people like this. Whatever it is, I can’t handle being around these narcissists for too long without snapping.
And it took me more than 40 years to finally let go.
I never knew about Narcissism before I read this post… I cannot imagine how painful and hard it must have been to deal with your narcissistic mother! ๐ฅบ
this is an interesting topic to tackle as this mental condition is becoming prominent this days, This I think is one of the negative effects of social media too, sadly.
Oh I agree! Social media has just underscored narcissism. It’s becoming more obvious who are narcs because of social media posts.
That is sad to hear that your mom acted that way and even your father went along with it. I hope you can work through this and forgive your mom one day.
Hi Tara! It’s not about forgiveness. I have long forgiven her. But I can no longer tolerate her. And I obviously could not live with her. We are in the same city and I cannot seem to bring myself to meet with her because of the anxiety that her presence brings. It’s traumatic.
I guess i never had a real understanding of what narcissism is. This is great information and hopefully helps being a little more understanding of these kinds of people.
Oh, I hope you are doing well now. I have been with many people with such symptoms. Never knew it’s actually a disorder!!!
What a difficult situation! I personally have dealt with someone with a narcissistic personality disorder on a regular basis and it is so hard! Thank you for the insight.
I feel like it is a shame that narcissistic gets thrown around so much these days, I feel like it means that people don’t realise it is a real personality disorder rather than just the way someone behaves because they want to.
Yes, honestly. I just learned it last year. But it doesn’t excuse my mother’s behavior. I just can’t live with her anymore.
Glad to learn about narcissism and so many traits. We were taught since young to be humble and not being self-center so I hope I do not have such traits.
Living with someone that has a narcissistic personality is a very difficult situation. It’s painful when someone close has this personality disorder.
My mother had narcissistic tendencies and you know for my entire life, I never knew it. I always thought it was my fault and I was never good enough but I realized that she was manipulating me, making herself the victim even if she wasn’t. She never apologized but you know what, I lots of older people have mental issues and don’t get the help that they need because of the stigmata that has and still is surrounded by it. Now, I love her from afar. I try to not be around her too much as I know she just can’t help it. I wish that mental health was more mainstream like dieting. Hopefully one day that will change and people like this amongst others get the help that they need without feeling weird about it.
I have also experienced what you have said. True, you mother may have that, too, and like you, I want to also do the same — to love from afar. But you know, my mother had been to a psychiatrist. But since she only complained for anxiety and depression, she was only given calming medications. Nobody has really accosted her for her narcissism. My father knows how manipulative she is and how she lies to our faces, but he is determined to protect her and cover up for her at any cost. ๐ He is an empath. An extreme one. And they are perfect for each other.
I had always heard of narcissism but I was not familiar with the personality trait or disorder. Your post is very informative and I learned so much from reading it. You went through a lot with your mother.and I hope that you are doing well.
Doing much better now, Ladonna, thank you. ๐ Trying to distance myself from my mother.
I had a friend who was like this. It was very difficult to be her friend and we’ve since gone our separate ways.
Thanks for the post. Earlier I don’t know much about Narcissism.
I’m in the same boat but it’s my granny that is the problem. She has “funny turns” when she doesn’t get her own way. Basically she “faints”. She has stopped doing it now because we started taking it seriously and started removing her false teeth when it happened ๐
hahahaha Laughed a lot about the false teeth. Wish I can do the same to my mother.
I think the term “narcissist” is over-used, but I’ve definitely met a few people who legitimately fit the bill. The worst is when I have to work with them and can’t just keep my distance.
I agree completely with all of this! I used to have a superiority complex. Every time I learned something new or my view on a certain topic changed, I’d think I was smarter than everyone else and wonder “how anyone could be so stupid not to immediately change their mind after I changed mine”, lol. How ridiculous! Thanks for sharing!
haha Glad you’ve realized that. My mother hasn’t yet. Sigh… She’s turning 63 this year.
I had no clue this disorder existed! Very enlightening.
What a difficult situation! I was not familiar with the personality trait or disorder. I hope you are doing well now.
I am doing well with the love and support of my husband, children, brother, and uncle, as well as some really close friends. Thank you. But I cannot say the same about my mother. She is feeling bad because we are already uncovering her schemes.
Very well explained, these kind of people do prevail and best is to know about them beforehand..