Reconciliation and forgiveness are two different things. And they may not necessarily go together. Learn how forgiving a narcissist may not mean reconciliation. And you will want it that way for your peace of mind.

Forgiving a Narcissist

As a victim of emotional and verbal abuse myself from my narcissistic mother, I realize that it’s quite easy to forgive. Of course, I was hurt. And surely, I suffered. Am I sad that my relationship with her was severed? For sure, I am.

Was I damaged? I guess so, what with the diagnosis of depression hanging over my head. Moreover, I am taking antidepressants for that and I am learning to cope on a daily basis.

However, I have accepted the way that she is and have forgiven her. I just sigh about what could have been, but that’s that. And I know that I can’t do anything to change the situation except to protect myself and my family.

At least, that’s what my psychiatrist told me and she was spot on with everything. My mother, I learned from my readings, is a textbook narcissist. It seems that the symptoms of the three kinds of Narcissistic Personality Disorders are in her. She may also have histrionics, based on her reactions and behavior.

Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation

Forgiveness is different from reconciliation. It is for the victim, so that he or she can be free from bitterness. She will be liberated from the pain and the burden of hating somebody. And the victim can do this without reconciling with the abuser. Instead, she could even love the narcissist from afar if real forgiveness happened.

On the contrary, reconciliation is going back to the relationship with arms wide open. It’s talking and associating again with the narcissist, forgetting the fact that the cycle of abuse can happen again. And it will.

For married couples, it could be the wife going back to the home and living with her husband again. For children, it could be seeing their parents again regularly. If you are wondering what a narcissistic mother looks like, read this: Spot a Narcissistic Mother.

The whole idea of reconciliation is stupid because the victim can get hurt again. But I am not saying that those who choose to reconcile are stupid. They have their reasons for doing that and we can’t fault them in that aspect. If ever, they need our love, understanding, and support.

Reconciliation Without Change

Counseling a person to reconcile with his or her abuser is ill-informed if the other party hasn’t changed. The abusive cycle is bound to happen again and the victim will be in a worse situation than before.

It is better for the victim to be apart from her abuser. The distance would be good for her mind, soul, and overall health. Remember, this is not just a misdemeanor or a betrayal or trust. We are dealing with a narcissist — a person who has a personality disorder.

Peace of mind and joy are things that we need for a life worth living. They cannot be bought but if staying away from the narcissist will bring them forth, wouldn’t the distance and alienation be worth it?

For me, they are. And I am happy that I made the bold step of staying away from my parents. It has been a year now and I think it’s the best decision I made in my life.