In my last blog post, I wrote about the signs of narcissism. But specifically, how do you, as a daughter, identify the signs of a narcissistic mother? Dr. Karyl McBride, a therapist, has made a survey to make identification easier.

I have been constantly researching about narcissism or the narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) for several months now. And because of that, I realized that narcissism is quite common and the victims of abuse are many. Actually, far too many. There are even support groups, books, and resource websites specific for victims.

One of the things that I have encountered in my research is this survey. This really strengthened my conclusion that I have grown up under the wing of a narcissistic mother.

The Survey for Signs of a Narcissistic Mother

This survey* is easy. Just answer the following questions truthfully. You know yourself best. I also included my answers after each number.

1. When you discuss your life issues with your mother, does she divert the discussion to talk about herself? YES.
2. When you discuss your feelings with your mother, does she try to top the feeling with her own? YES.
3. Does your mother act jealous of you? YES.
4. Does your mother lack empathy for your feelings? YES.
5. Does your mother only support those things you do that reflect on her as a “good mother”? YES.
6. Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your mother? YES.
7. Have you consistently questioned yourself whether or not your mother likes you or loves you? YES.
8. Does your mother only do things for you when others can see? YES.
9. When something happens in your life (accident, illness, divorce) does your mother react with how it will affect her rather than how you feel? Not sure.
10. Is or was your mother overly conscious of what others think about your family (neighbors, friends, family, co-workers)? YES.
11. Does your mother deny her own feelings? OH YES.
12. Does your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her feelings or actions? YES.
13. Is or was your mother hurt easily and then carried a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem? YES. With other people and me.
14. Do you feel you were a slave to your mother? Not really.
15. Do you feel you were responsible for your mother’s ailments or sickness (headaches, stress, illness)? YES.
16. Did you have to take care of your mother’s physical needs as a child? Not really.
17. Do you feel unaccepted by your mother? YES.
18. Do you feel your mother was critical of you? YES.
19. Do you feel helpless in the presence of your mother? YES.
20. Are you shamed often by your mother? Shamed but not often.YES.
21. Do you feel your mother does not know the real you? YES.
22. Does your mother act like the world should revolve around her? A BIG RESOUNDING YES.
23. Do you find it difficult to be a separate person from your mother? Not really.
24. Does your mother appear phony to you? hahahaha YES.
25. Does your mother want to control your choices? YES.
26. Does your mother swing from egotistical to a depressed mood? YES.
27. Did you feel you had to take care of your mother’s emotional needs as a child? YES.
28. Do you feel manipulated in the presence of your mother? YES.
29. Do you feel valued by mother for what you do rather than who you are? YES.
30. Is your mother controlling, acting like a victim or martyr? Oh YES!
31. Does your mother make you act different from how you really feel? YES.
32. Does your mother compete with you? As a matter of fact, YES.
33. Does your mother always have to have things her way? YES. YES. YES! 

The Answers

So does these survey on the signs of a narcissistic mother apply to you as a daughter? Dr. McBride said that if you “these questions relate to narcissistic traits. The more questions you checked, the more likely your mother has narcissistic traits.”

From the 33 questions, I answered YES to 30 of them. I think that I am more than qualified to say that I grew up under the guidance of a narcissistic mother.

Additionally, Dr. McBride said that this relationship might have “caused some difficulty for you as a growing daughter and adult.” My problem is that, it took me more than 40 years to realize that something is wrong with our mother and daughter relationship.

So the process of unraveling and healing is taking much longer, as we are still uncovering the lies and identifying the schemes behind the manipulations.

Our Family

Growing up, my mother was never the “nurturing” kind. Yes, she provided for our physical needs, like food, shelter, and clothing. She had to maintain the facade of a perfect family.

But emotionally, she was distant. She spent her days feeding us, cleaning the house, and taking the attention of my father. My father’s attention should be solely focused on her. If it is shifted on me, it’s for me to “perform” according to their standards.

My brother, I know, would also agree on most of the points. But since he is a boy and younger than me, he has had different experiences growing up than me. However, both us agree now that we have a narcissistic mother and we have already taken the steps to protect our own families from her.

How do you find this survey? Did you find the answers you were seeking? Were you able to identify the signs of a narcissistic mother?

*McBride, Karyl, The International Resource Center for Daughters, Sons, and Partners of Narcissists, Retrieved from: https://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/narcissistic-mother-survey