Confessions
The Facade of a Perfect Family
Growing up, I always thought we had the picture perfect family. Despite my internal struggles and the attempts on my life, this daughter always thought that our family was ideal. No, actually, we had the perfect family.
Blinded by Manipulation
Looking back, I feel like the stupidest person in the world. Like a total nincompoop, I swallowed the perfectly mounted picture that my narcissistic mother had painted of what our family should be.
- Related: What is Narcissism?
The Ideals of a Perfect Family
So what are the criteria of a picture perfect family that my narcissistic mother conjured?
- We are together
- A family with involved parents
- Family with a devoted, loyal, and faithful husband and father
- The husband provides, entrusting his paycheck to the wife
- The mother takes care of the home
- Two kids – a girl and a boy
- Healthy, not lacking food
- Have a nice suburban home in a good neighborhood
- Academic achievements for the kids
- Obedient children — no boyfriends, no night outs, keeping strict curfew
- Mother is not just the thermostat but the iron leash
- The parents are always right and in an argument, the children are always wrong.
- Despite available facts and evidence, the child is always at fault and should never, ever talk back.
Blind Acceptance
Deep in my heart, I felt a little resentment. But I didn’t think that it was because of my parents. I always thought that the struggles in every situation were my fault, largely because I don’t agree with certain rules that my mother had imposed. But I never thought that something was wrong with my mother.
There were many times that I cried my heart out, especially during my teenage years. Depression happened. I have locked myself in my room, attempting suicide from time to time.
We had the perfect family — accomplished, well-provided, and healthy, but why do I feel like a total failure? Why can’t I achieve my dreams apart from what my parents have set out for me. Yes, I also felt like I had to have their dreams.
It’s either that I was a total chicken or Someone was saving me every time because up to this day, I am still here. Writing this.
Despite all of that internal rage, I always thought my mother was right. It seemed hard to accept sometimes, but the bottomline is — Mother is always right.
The concept of, “Honor your parents” was deeply ingrained in me that questioning them made me felt like the villain.
Always My Fault
My mother had screwed my brain so bad that in each and every situation, everything is my fault. It seemed that I could never do anything right. It was one of the reasons that I felt like giving up on life–because I thought that I was never good enough, unless of course, I brought home awards for academic performance.
If something went wrong between our mother and daughter relationship, it was because of me and she never took responsibility for anything. Heck, I don’t ever remember her apologizing to me for anything.
Mother Had to Have “Just Enough”
As I was writing this, I realized that my mother had just enough of everything. We were not rich, but she had enough in finances to live comfortably and afford what she liked.
She also had enough problems to give her an excuse to wallow in self pity. Moreover, she had enough poverty and mediocrity–just enough that she can manage and control. Beyond that, I don’t think that she could.
And most of all, she had enough illnesses to feign that she can use to manipulate us, especially my father.
Whenever she was cornered or didn’t get her way, she would lose consciousness and clutch her heart. My father would then panic because her symptoms would seem like a heart attack. Growing up, I would often hear her tell us that she has a heart problem that she got from her Dad. But up until now, she has yearly ECG and the results are always normal. I only have one conclusion to that–she was faking it.
Others Fell Short
While my narcissistic mother kept on maintaining the facade of a perfect family, everybody else fell short.
She had a comment on practically every other family. Their livelihood, their home, their finances, their decisions, and most especially, their children.
To sum everything up, we were perfect. They weren’t. Relatives were not exempted. In fact, her opinion of relatives and family were the worst that I ended up hating and alienating myself from my maternal relatives.
While I am not really a condescending person, I did quite feel superior over them because I was educated, we were more pragmatic, and again, we have a “lovely home.” We were “better” in every aspect.
Lies.
The Rage
Anger kept building inside me. I harbored rage. It wasn’t on a particular person or situation — I was just angry at everything and every situation. Anything that got in my way, including myself, was lashed out at.
It was ugly. Despite being a Christian, prayerful, and faithful, I was bubbling. But it’s not with happiness. I was like an active volcano, waiting for a chance to erupt.
To be continued…
The image of a perfect family was so deeply ingrained in me that it took me more than four decades to realize that something was wrong. At the age of 32, I already moved out because of marriage. Nevertheless, I continued to be a victim of verbal and emotional abuse from my narcissistic mother.
28 COMMENTS
I love your article. You helped me find answers for the anger issues in myself. I’ve prayed to God or listened to gospel when I’d got hard times.
I was reading what you said in the section of a perfect family, actually the image of a perfect family that you got from your mother, and I was like, yeap, that exactly how I was raised. But not just me, my friends as well, it’s how my country brainwash generations over generations.
Wow, really! Where are you from Cristina?
It is true that the perfect family does not exist and when it seems so, it is only a façade of numerous problems, many of which are not being handled properly. And these become dangerous and serious for the members themselves …
Oh my goodness, this makes me so sad. I’m so sorry that you went through this with your narcissistic mother, it sounds like it must have been so hard.
And I only realized it recently that she doesn’t have the capacity to love. Only to lie, control, and manipulate.
Sounded like a tough family to grow up in. It reminds me of my childhood which was even worse.
This would be hard to grow up with. I have learned there’s no such thing as a perfect family.
Oh wow, this makes me really sad. I’m sorry that you had to get through such a tough childhood.. It must have been really hard for you.
Childhood until 40 something hahaha Never realized my mother’s condition. I felt so pathetic.
omg your article! It made me so emotional but also appreciative that people like you exist in life. Thanks a lot for being an inspiration.
I can relate to the fact you say about a perfect family that in an argument, children are always wrong while parents are always right. It’s so unfortunate since sometimes, kids can be on the right and it’s good to work things out in love and understanding as a parent.
I am so sorry you have to go through all this. Keep faith in God. You won’t face anyone with narcissism.
I am so sorry to know this. I am still fighting my life, as my mother also has the same issues with additional mental disorders. One of my friends turned very sensitive and depressing person since her teenage. The reason is her father kept on pointing at her and her mother as it’s their fault. I can imagine how bad it is to have someone always point at you that it’s your fault. Such scenes take out confidence and may make the person lose out their own personality. We cannot live our own life even as an adult when we have this type of parent. It is a totally tough journey. May you have a good day 🙂
I have anger issues… This post really provoked me in thinking of doing things that were unnecessary… I would try to improve myself 👍🏼
Thank you for sharing this. Every time I think about my childhood and read a story like yours, it makes more determined to be a good mother to my kids and have them grow up with none or as little baggage as possible.
It’s okay to make mistakes. We are not perfect and we get stressed out. But it’s important that we let our kids know that we make mistakes too, and we are ready to admit our faults. 🙂 As for my mother, it’s her nature because of her NPD. Much like the kleptomaniacs who have no control over their actions, it’s the narcissist’s personality to keep creating drama for herself or himself and the people around them.
This is so well written. I’m interested to read the rest. I’m sorry you had to deal with that growing up. No family is perfect, and I think it’s such a mistake to never let your kids know that you make mistakes. How can kids learn to apologize or that it’s okay to make mistakes if no one models it for them?
Nothing is perfect family included. Facade is a mere facade. However I do hope that for must it’s just imperfection and nothing serious.
The situation is pretty serious. Narcissism is not to be taken lightly.
Every family has it’s own imperfection. Troubles, worries and sometimes fear is part of it. Sticking together is the key.
Not in this case. Sticking it out with my mother is like throwing me into the lion’s den. I can love her…but from afar.
There is no perfect family. Perfection is different for each person and for each group of people.
Yes, I agree. But that is the picture that my mother wants to maintain. Or at least to her, there is a certain kind of perfection, a rhythm in the noise.
There is no perfect family . It’s sad to know that you had a tough childhood and I can only hope the emotional and verbal abuse had already stopped.
This one’s a very deep post, At the end of the day, nonetheless, I’m sure you have grown to know the differences of what’s a proper way of sorting things out within a family. Families are all different, just like how individuals are said to “differ”… and I hope that all goes well for you.
Nope. The lies and manipulation continue to this day. 🙁
This post is really great and you have written truth very well. Sorry about your tough childhood. Thanks for sharing.